Funny Things

It seems like lately, a lot of funny things have happened. I need to write them down somewhere and hopefully, somebody will laugh with me.

A couple of weeks ago, we had our carpets cleaned. The technician (I use that term very loosely) explained to me why it was so important that we have our carpets deep-cleaned. He mentioned the dead skin that gets in our carpet, the dust mites that feed on our dead skin and then relieve themselves in our carpet. So, I have been reminding our children about the dust mite poop in our carpet and the necessity of wearing socks in the house. I know, disgusting. Anyway, the other day, Kate was laying on her back on her blanket and rolled over onto her stomach off of her blanket and was licking the carpet. Yum. So, I was standing there watching this all unfold with Justin. I said to Justin: "Oh, no! Dust mite poop!!" Justin heard: "Oh, no! Dat's my poop!!" His response: "Daddy, gross! We don't poop on the floor!! We poop in the potty!" I had to laugh.


I occasionally have very weird dreams. My favorite all-time weird dream was when Michelle was laying on the ground and I was popping her back by sitting on her back. In my dream, she grew feathers on her back, turned into an owl and turned her head completely around and had creepy owl eyes. I hate owls - they are creepy. This has been my all-time weirdest dream for several years - until now. There is a baby picture of me when I was about 1 year old that is pretty cute. I am enormously fat, but quite cute. Anyway, I had a dream the other night that Michelle got a face transplant (apparently her face wasn't attractive to her in my dream). Instead of getting a normal woman face, the doctors were able to transplant the baby face from my baby picture onto my wife. When I awoke, I didn't know whether to die laughing or die crying. I will never look at that picture the same way.


My final funny item is more ridiculous than funny. I watched yesterday as President Obama signed Obamascare into law. What an absolute freakshow. My first ridiculous moment was when Joe Biden, who I could write an entire blog of funny things about, gave his stupid speech about how historic this moment was and then whispered (sort of) to the President: "This is a big f-ing deal, Mr. President". Really? The Vice President of the United States before the signing of the biggest bill in decades uses an f-bomb to describe the moment??? Unbelievable.

The 2nd most ridiculous moment was the signing itself. President Obama, as is tradition, used 22 pens to sign his name. 22!!! 22 Cross commemorative pens to sign his name that at most, has only 18 letters. BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA - count em, 18 letters. 22 pens. Am I missing something? I know this is a tradition so that the commemorative pens can be given to congressional leaders who helped get the bill passed, but even so, what a stupid tradition. Cross Presidential pens (per my crack research) cost $271 per pen. That's almost $6000 on pens. Even Marcelas Owens, the young African American boy whose mother died because her insurance company dropped her and was standing next to President Obama while he signed, looked puzzled as to what the President was doing. He must have been asking himself, "Does President Obama really think that all these pens might run out of ink?" I mean, with $6000, they could have paid for Marcelas's health insurance for several months, but I guess it made more sense to have really nice pens to hand out to members of Congress. Unbelievable.

I wonder how much it cost to make Nancy Pelosi's giant gavel.